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Sunday, 08 November 2009
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Why Can't You Love Me?
I am 19 years young. And I can honestly say my mother hates me. She the first time she left when I was in Elementary School. That was not the worst part, she took my brother and told me to go back to my dad. I was in Elementary School, and right then and their I knew you hated me. I tried to get you to like me but than you done it again. You left us when I was in Middle School. You told me my dad cheated on you, and when I was angry blaming him for you leaving us I called family on both side and they told me the kid of man my dad was. You actually made me hate him for a week, the guy that never walked out on me. How dare you do that to me I was a child, and you ruined my childhood for me. Than my grandpa died and some how you came BACK into our life and stupid me thought YESSS maybe she'll love me now. But no, all you did was cheat on my dad. But I guess the irony is you blamed him because you were doing it. You don't even understand how much you hurt my dad. He loved you unconditionally until you told me you cheated. Yes, I told him, and the truth hurts but he deserved so much better. Than my world came crashing down when Brad died but you did not even care. Than you left us my 9th grade year. You could not stand to live with us. Why was I not good enough to make things work. Why did you have to be the cheating whore that you are. But yet again you walking out was not the worst part. You than proceeded to marry the man you were cheating on my dad with. You did not even tell me that you got married. You both eloped as if you both were kids. You would of told me if you knew it was not wrong. Elda told me a month afterwards you were married, and I went home and locked myself into my room and cried. It hurt that you didn't tell me and you told Elda. She isn't even your daughter. When I tried to make thing work all the time you would always mess it up. You offered me all the jewlery my dad ever gave you, and I said yes, I would love them. Than you had to explain to me that you did not have them. I cried again because you gave all that stuff to your mom. Why would you even offer them to me? You never called me on christmas and only celebrated about 2 with me since you left. Where was my 18th birthday phone call or even my 19th. Do you know how it feels to have your best friends or boyfriend to ask did your mom call and you have to say no she didn't. Maybe I did change my number but Tia Vero has it and she could of called and told me. I had to move to a different state to get away from people judging me because of the way you were. Some boy was not allowed to date me because his dad knew who you were. I was 14 and had a boy break up with me because of you. Can you say heart break, and you weren't even their to support me. Even thow you hate me, my dad never walked out on me. He was there, he done my hair in elementary school. He took me to the doctors when I was sick. Because of you my dad is my hero and I thank you.
Wednesday, 08 July 2009
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Missing Home
At times I hate this place.!? I have the choice where I can take the road that I already know. The road that I am safe with, and that I have come to love or the new and unknown. The life that everyone sees me doing. But is that what I really want? I have always known what I wanted. And for once I just have no idea. I am a very quiet and shy person. I am in a new place and I just can't seem to make myself social. I've been here for a year now and as much as I love this place I don't know if this is it. Back home I just knew I was meant to be there. I was not popular so I didn't have the million of friends. But I did have a group of friends that I hung out with all of the time. I feel a little lost with out them here with me. It's not like I can pick up the phone and call them because they really don't talk to me anymore. Great Huh!? The people that I thought were my true friends are gone all because I moved. I never thought that me moving was going to change the way we all connected. Maybe I am the one that changed. I know what exactly I had to do when I got here. I don't have mommy and daddy paying for my college, I am working in order to save up money so I can attend. When I moved, I gave up my free college. Who in the hell does that right?! Well apparently I do. Being in this new place is so difficult. I don't have those friends that I am able to go out with and talk to. I feel like I do not fit into the new world that I am in. The only thing people do is sex, drugs, drink, and get into trouble. I did not do that stuff back home, so why would I change myself for these people I don't know. Everyone already has their own clique, so I would be the new girl. I don't want to go to Sonic's and hang out so I can meet people. In this place there is nothing that I can do so that I can meet people. It's bowling, or hang out at Sonic's. Does that sound pleasant? To me it does not. At the moment I am working at the pool! And I guess you could say I am making friends. But, well, they are all 16 and up. and I am 19. And they talk about the same stuff, sex, and drinking. I am not into that kinda thing. Apparently they have invited me out, but i rejected. I don't remember that day. And if they did what the hell would I do? What they do isn't my scene. I could always go back home. That sounds crazy i know. But maybe I just am not going to make friends here, and I'll sit at home. Do you know how friggin boring that gets. After a year of doing it. I think I am going to go insane. Maybe I should go back home =[.
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
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Dear Pillow, He Asked.
Dear Pillow,
It's me again. I got on a plane to go to Delaware on Saturday, May 9th. I was so excited to go home, to the place I've lived ALL of my life. Cory picked me up from the airport. It as awesome, and nice. On the 12th Cory took me to see a concert. Actually three bands played and my favorite played last. Three Doors Down was so awesome live. And during it Cory asked me to marry him. Honestly, I couldn't tell you what was playing at the moment because of the shock. I could not even give an answer. I wanted to say yes but a million reasons said to say no. After a long time of thinking i said no. I don't regret saying No because i know it's the right thing to say. But that's not the worst part. He took me back to the airport on Sunday May 24. I was absolutely fine until i walked through the security check. I started balling. No joke. I couldn't stop crying but i didn't want him to know so i stopped when he called. But as i was going to say goodbye on the phone because he was watching me they started so i hung up. I never knew a goodbye could be so hard. =[. And when he texted saying he was tired of saying goodbye he wanted the real thing, i cried harder. I as well want the real deal. But I'm afraid it cannot happen until that stupid car is LONGG gone. Or paid off. I can't deal with worrying about that stupid car. I could not live my life worrying about it either. As much as I love Cory because i know i love him. I hate that car. And i wont spend my money on that car because as much as he is paying for it he could have two cars for the price of one. Sadly i know in July if he comes he is going to ask me to marry him again. And as much as i want to say yes, i don;t know if i can quite yet. I act a lot more mature of my age than most people do. But is marriage for me? Not sure.
Love,
Uncertian Me.
Sunday, 19 April 2009
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Dear Pillow, It's Me Again
Dear Pillow,
It's me again. =| Today I was reading all of this stuff. And I realized, -wow, that really was me- I read blogs everyday but one really touched me. I realized I could of done more. Maybe it really was me and not him. I love him to pieces. But sometimes is love really enough? This is how it started.... Last night I talked to Michael on the phone, boy was it hard. Him and I talked about Jill and Cory. He told me how happy he is with Jill. I am totally happy for him. He should be happy, and Jill is a lucky girl. And he asks me about Cory. So I told him, EVERYTHING. Stupid me huh? One thing I told him is how horribly I treated Cory, and all he said was -WOW be happy thats uncontrollable love-. Because Cory never walked away, and still is right there for me. And at the end he goes so you're waiting for Corster. That's what Michael calls him. And I said no, I'm waiting for something, but I'm not sure what. Michael and I ended up talking like nothing ever happened. Like we were the best of friends. It was tough, very very tough, but I was ok with it. At the end of the phone convo he goes -Jannett, I always wonder what if with you, and you will always have a place in my heart, and i love you- And I said thank you and hung up. I was awake for a long time, and i kinda got all teary eyed after I got off the phone with him. After our phone conversation I spent a lot of time online, reading, talking and other things. And it hit me. I had the perfect relationship and I let it fall to peices. I didn't give it my 100 percent, but maybe just maybe it's not all my fault. All I know is to argue. I know how to yell, and I was taught by a PRO how to walk away. I was taught how a guy will walk right behind you no matter what, and he'll look to your best qualitly. I think it's time for me to walk away from what I grew up seeing. Yes, it's going to be hard. I think I'm scared I will get hurt, so I tend to make it so I don't get hurt. But when the relationship you thought was real love didn't work, than what will? When you saw your mom cheating, talked to her husband now when he was the other man, and saw her bitch all the time, you hurt. When she told you while you were growing up that if she was to ever leave your dad it would be for someone better. She was planning to leave him ALL along. Maybe I was verbably abused hearing i'm never going to be anything, that my dad was trash, that i'm stupid. I heard so many put downs I wouldn't know where to start. The one I loved was, your only talking to me to get money. Yup, that's totally me. All I wanted was your money, not for you to accept me. So yes, I am scared of letting someone in. If the person that is NOT suppose to hurt you does, why can't someone else? i let my perfect relationship go to pieces.
Love,
Unperfect Me.
Friday, 17 April 2009
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Clouds Like People
A clear line between clouds, like two sides of a person. A bright smile, later tears of sadness. Beyond those moment of gray happiness once more.
LovesNotPerfect
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- Name: LovesNotPerfect
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 3/31/2009
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About Me
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I'm simple. I am easy going. I love to have fun. I stay in a lot more than I should. My family means the world to me. As well as my friends. A life with out my family and friends would not be worth living. I believe to be a really down to earth person. I don't dress up unless i have to. You can find me in jeans and a tee shirt. Of course it has to be cute. I am all about being myself. I don't plan on being anyone else. It is kinda out of style. I like who I am. As far as dating, I am not looking. =P! I love trying new things! Anything else? ask.
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